Lyla's Story - Part 1

I've been thinking about this post for a long time now, trying to decide exactly how I wanted to do it. I wanted to tell Lyla's birth story, but I don't think I can start there. I need to go back further. To tell Lyla's story, I have to start by telling my story - our story. The thing is, it means I'll have to open up about some things that continue to be a source of personal pain for me. I have been extremely hesitant about doing so and have shared just the most basic of facts about this situation with very, very few.

So, why would I open up about this on the internet? Well, for one, I want to record it for the future. I want Lyla to be able to read and know just exactly how much she was wanted. The reason for the open nature though, is that I hope to help others. As I was going through my darkest times, I would read about the experiences of others that were similar to mine and it was a great source of comfort. To know that others were and had felt what I was feeling was such validation. It also helped to read the expressions of feelings that I was still wrestling with on such an intense level that I had no idea how to express them myself. If I can do that for someone else, or even if I only help someone understand the struggles of another, it will be worth it.

Here goes nothing.

To tell Lyla's story I need to go back about three and half years. Allen and I had been married maybe a month or two when I started to feel little nudges here and there that we needed to start having kids. This was not the plan. The plan was to wait a year, then we would evaluate our situation and possibly start trying. Yet there it was again and again; the nagging thought in the back of my mind that the time was now. I tried ignoring it. It was a crazy thought. We had been married such a short time and had lived in separate states the entire time we dated and all through our engagement. Waiting was not being selfish, we NEEDED this time to adjust to each other before we threw someone else into the mix. Every time I had convinced myself of all of this though, I would get another little nudge.

The next part of the story is very special to me.  So special, and so wonderful that I just don't feel comfortable sharing it.  I won't risk doubt or derision from anyone.  It's mine.  Just mine.

So, suffice it to say that we were persuaded and decided that we would start down the path toward parenthood.  I threw out the birth control with giddy anticipation and fully expected to be pregnant within a month.  Two at most.  After all, that's how it always was with my mom so why should I expect any different?

As time passed and I got no clear signs from Mother Nature that I was NOT pregnant, I took it as confirmation that this was really happening.  So I ran out to the store, grabbed a pregnancy test, and rushed home to give myself the good news.  As I was driving to the store and back I couldn't stop my hopes from flying high.  "This is it," I thought to myself "the day I find out that I am going to be a mother!"  I wondered how I would tell Allen.  Would I do something big, or subtly leak the info?  Surely I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself for more than a day.  What would his reaction be?  I think every woman has the fantasy of telling the man she loves that she is carrying his child and sharing with him in the joy, wonder, and excitement of the moment.  This was going to be a day I would remember.  I just KNEW it.

I went into the bathroom, took care of business, and set the test on the side of the tub.  I didn't allow myself to even peek at it until the requisite 3 minutes were up.  S-L-O-W-L-Y I watched the minutes tick by on my phone.  Finally!  It was time!  Negative.  "What?"  I thought, "That can't be right."  I looked at the box, turned it over in my hands, scanned the little pamphlet of instructions looking for some kind of explanation.  I looked back at the test.  Still negative.  I was completely floored.  How could I not be pregnant AND not have that obvious indicator from my body?

I jumped on the computer and began searching for some kind of answer.  Turns out there are all sorts of ways to get a false negative.  Testing too soon, testing at the wrong time of day, a bad test.  Surely one of these things were the culprit.  I would wait a week and try again first thing in the morning.  Then I was sure to get my positive.  Nothing to worry about.  But somewhere, in the back of my mind, I did worry, and when Allen came home and asked what was wrong, I cried.  I believe some part of my spirit knew that this was the beginning of a long and difficult journey.  So even though it had barely begun, I let Allen hold me and kiss the top of my head, and I cried.

Worth the Wait

Lyla Kate

September 27, 2011

3:13 am

And it was a significant wait. But that's another story for another day. Right now I'm surrounded by old burp cloths, dirty dishes, and laundry waiting to be folded, but my baby is clean and fed and smiling in her sleep and all I want to do is drink her in. I know that this newborn time is special and it won't last long, so for now I refuse to waste much of it with the unnecessary. Instead, I'll record some of my favorite things about Lyla.

She smells like heaven. Of course after her evening bath she smells especially good, but I mean I love the way she smells all the time. Sometimes I bury my face in her tiny little neck folds and just try to inhale her. I even love the smell of her breath. That sweet milky scent just melts my heart. I get especially sentimental when I take her after she's been snuggling with Daddy and smells faintly of him.

Her hands. Every detail all the way down to her teeny tiny little fingernails is absolute perfection. When she gets a hold of my shirt and clings to me, oh heavens! It's like she has a fist full of my heart! I tried clipping her nails the other day. Something I had avoided all along because a) I sort of loved her pretty long nails and b) I was terrified of cutting too close or hurting her in any way. I tried to do it while she was nursing and ended up clipping her, making her bleed. She screamed for a few minutes and it broke. my. heart. I really think it was much more traumatic for me than it was for her.

Confession: I love sleeping with her. I know I'm supposed to put her down and she should only sleep flat on her back. But there are times when she is having none of that and, honestly, I don't really mind. Obviously I can't do it all the time, but for a few hours a day I can think of no better way to spend my time. Cuddling up with her on my chest and feeling each sweet breath on my neck, or my cheek . . . Love.

So very, very, worth the wait.

Waiting

Here's to waiting in faith for the good things to come. Sometimes it seems as if we spend our lives waiting. It can be so frustrating, and at times feels so hopeless. In times such as these we must keep an eternal perspective and trust that everything that happens and every trial we face is for our betterment. We must "be still" and know that He is God.

I'll try to remember that.

Happy Easter!!!

We've had such a fantastic Easter this year! I loved that General Conference was on the same weekend, what better way to Celebrate the Resurrection than by listening to the inspired words of our modern-day prophet and apostles? I always love conference weekend, it's always just what I need to lift my spirits. I am just so grateful for this church.
Earlier this week I did a little basket make-over using this tutorial. I wish I had taken a "before" photo, because I think the transformation was awesome. You'll just have to take my word for it. In any case, this is what I ended up with:

That was before the Easter Bunny came. Afterward it looked more like this:

Allen and I both went to the store the night before Easter and we both bought candy to put in the basket and surprise the other. We were definitely surprised to find double the candy! It worked out though because we went to different stores and between the two of us we were able to get all our favorites. Allen really went the extra mile though. He got up early Sunday morning to hide these around the house.

The best surprise came when I opened them to reveal little love notes in each one. What a sweet husband!


For breakfast I made these little lovies:

They're called Easter rolls because while they're baking the marshmallow in the middle melts. When you bite into them they are empty just like the tomb was on Easter morning. A little cheesy I know, but I kinda liked it and Allen is the marshmallow king so I figured he would like them. If you would like to try them, I found the recipe here


Later we had a lovely Easter dinner of ham, scalloped potatoes, rolls, fruit salad, and asparagus with homemade hollandaise sauce. Yummy!

Allen being such a man and carving the ham.

For dessert I made this little piece of heaven:

It's called Pavlova and is to-die-for. Apparently it is a dish from New Zealand and is named after the ballerina Anna Pavlova because it is so light and graceful. It has a meringue base, filled with hand-whipped cream, and topped with berries (raspberries in this case). I had never even heard of it before but let me tell you, I WILL be making this again. I'd like to experiment with different fruit or berries on top. Maybe even use a chocolate mousse instead of cream . . . ooh, I should definitely try that. Anyway, if you would like to try this exquisite dessert, this is the recipe I used. I highly recommend it.
Oh, and P.S.- Yes, Allen did write that last entry but I decided to leave it because hey, who am I to argue with a statement so true? And humble to boot!

My Husband is AWESOME

Yes he is.

Then Comes the Big Night, Giving the Tree the Trim!

As you can tell by the smile on Allen's face, yesterday was a very fun day!

We were very excited and had lots of fun.

Earlier in the week I had prepared by making these . . .

and these . . .

and this!

I got to use my fondue pot with cheese for the first time!

It was all for this naked guy!

Growing up, my family always made a fun little family night of trimming the tree. We had fondue and yummy Christmas goodies and listened to Christmas music. I was so happy that this year, I got to share that tradition with my husband. It was so much fun to get our first tree together, and I LOVE the smell! My home feels so wonderful and Christmas-y with the scent of a real tree. I just love Christmas!

Allen putting the star on top.


The finished product!

This was a little craft I put together this year. I really like the way it turned out.

Halloween

For as long as I can remember I've looked forward to doing a couple costume for Halloween. I know it's cheesy but it's something I've always wanted to do. So I was so glad that Allen was so willing to be such a good sport and dress up with me! We went as Mario and Princess Peach from the old Nintendo game. I made both of our costumes and I must say, I'm pretty proud of how they came out. Allen's was super easy of course, I just bought overalls, a red sweatshirt, gloves and a hat. I cut the little circle and the "M" out of white felt and hot glued it on. My dress was a little more involved. I didn't get my sewing machine until a week before Halloween so I didn't have much time to make it either! I just got really busy and sewed my butt off!